GOD IS A LITTLE DEAF

At about age five I heard Grandma Drury in the kitchen yelling at someone. Carefully looking around the doorway I saw her standing alone in the middle of the room ranting and raving at the ceiling. When she calmed down she saw me standing there. I asked her who she was talking to, not sure if I should chance going into the room or not. Grandma said that she was praying. Well, that's not how I was taught in catechism class to pray. Grandma said that you don't need a church, priest, or formal prayers to talk to God. However, as "God is a male he tends to have selective deafness, so you have to shout to be heard." Then she told me some of the stories about her maternal Grandma Bridget (nee Murphy) Kelly.

One story starts in early 1852 in Ireland. Bridget and her husband Edward Kelly survived the Potato Famine. But, Bridget was thoroughly pissed at God for putting them through all that. She was never reluctant to let her feelings about anything be known to anyone, not even someone who could strike her with lightning. According to Grandma Drury, chutzpah does not originate with the Jews. "One irate Irish woman can out chutzpah a whole tribe of Israel."

One 1852 Sunday Bridget, having discovered that she was pregnant with her third child, went to a place where a traveling priest had set up for mass. (Why not a church? I don't know.) Bridget stood before the make-shift altar and preceded to tell God in no uncertain terms what she thought of Him, and she expected Him to do something about it. The priest, coming back from wherever he'd momentarily gone, was scandalized. On being told that Bridget was pregnant he made allowances. (Silly man, Bridget was like that pregnant or not.) As she pointed out to one and all that day. "God is a little deaf and you have to shout to be heard."

A short time later, Bridget, her husband Edward, and two-and-a-half children boarded a ship for New York. The story goes that Bridget went to the ship's bow and loudly informed God that He well knew none of them could swim, and if any drowned or died of sea sickness, she would be letting Him know about it for all eternity. The ship arrived in New York without incident. A few days before Christmas Bridget safely gave birth to her third child in New York.

Grandma Bridget lived 83 years. God was in no hurry to bring her into close contact. Grandma Drury lived 88 years. She must've been better at praying. God seems determined to have the more vocal females live a long time. Something to think about.

As for me, when I decide God needs to get his act together, the bathroom has better acoustics. My husband knows that ranting and raving in the bathroom is me praying and nothing to get excited about. With no nestlings to protect, seem to do less loud praying than I used to. A while back, (March 30, 1997) is an exception in point.

Sat on the bathroom throne letting God know in minute details my unhappiness over a writer's block that existed since the previous August. Also, told him my feelings on the difficulties with my first novel not selling in part because of its' 62,000 words in a market requiring 70,000 minimum. Started waving the latest advertisement from Writers Digest School about their classes, ranting and raving about how the class for novels is useless to me because 1) it doesn't take you through the entire process from theme to finished novel, and 2) what a person really needs to learn is advanced book doctor editing.

God must've gotten tired of hearing me yelling at him because from no-where, literally in an eye blink, came the complete directions on how to rewrite my first novel to a longer length with better details. Immediately rushed from the bathroom to the legal- sized notebook by the bed and wrote down the five points of this epiphany. My husband came into the bedroom and I told him what happened. He laughed. God had been driven in self-defense to giving me what I wanted again. Now, of course, one says thank you. Grandma Drury told me that "you can do that quietly because males have no trouble hearing how wonderful they've been."


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